Santa Claus - The Ultimate RLSH

On the eve of that most joyous day known as Christmas I wanted to take some time out from
scrounging through dumpsters for stale left over pizza, evading the mutlitude of cats and large
birds of prey who would seek to disembowel me, and even spying on those mudslinging
malcontents and miscreants of ROACH on behalf of my dread lord Krampus to talk about
perhaps the greatest RLSH of them all. That's right boys and girls, I'm talking about good old
Santa himself.

Let's take a look at old Saint Nicks list of mythical abilities. First of all, he lives in the coldest
point in the North Pole, something that any sane person would NOT DO for fear of freezing their
asses off. Frostbite can be a real bitch sometimes but good old Santa makes it work along with
his old lady and his legion of elves. Elves...that's right, Santa has a LEGION of elves at his
disposal. Now I don't know if he pays them to work 24/7 or how much but they always seem to
get the job done. Does the Easter Bunny have a legion of elves at his disposal? No. Last time I
checked the Tooth Fairy was a solo act so apparently Santa has the mojo these other peeps are
missing. You go big guy!!! Keep rocking like you always do. As if having a legion of elves at his
disposal was not enough, Santa has a pimped out sled (MTV eat your hearts out) and a pack of
reindeer that can fly through any kind of weather thanks to the head buck himself, Rudolph
with his bright nose (now that's what I call some serious bling - Flavor Flav, even with you big
ass clock from you NWA days, you got nothing on Rudolph brother)

Now as we all know the RLSH like to pattern themselves after heroic figures and principles (well
for the most part - admittedly there are a few fruitcakes in the group but the RLSH still
superior by leaps and bounds to even the most benign ROACH or RLSV). Now we all know that
Santa is...well..oh how can I say this without offending....hmmm..oh...uh...a bit on the chunky
side. However, despite his profound width and girth he seems to move around with the speed of
lightning - how else can you describe a person who can deliver toys to all the nice folks of the
world IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!!! Holy shit!!! Pardon me but I find that friggin amazing!!!
Then we have Santa's ability to alter his physical dimensions - I am convinced that Santa must
be the plumpest contortionist in the world. How else can you explain his ability to squeeze into
the tightest chimneys, under doors, and through small windows. Believe me, I know all about
flexibility (well, at least that's what my wife tells me) and somehow, some way, the big guy has
the goods.

Then there's generosity. Last time I checked, Santa does not ask for money so all this gift giving
he is doing is, as they say in legal circles, pro bono. Yeap, it's a freebie and he never complains.
Damn, come to think of it Santa must be the richest dude in the world, making Bill Gates and
Donald Trump look like paupers. Shit, I gotta call him up and get a seasonal gig with him...well
with the permission of my dread Lord Krampus of course. What? Don't look at me that way. I
have 2,735,876 mouths to feed and these mice welfare checks barely cover it!!! So Santa and his
elves spend all year making toys at no cost to us and we reap the rewards. Damn, if that's not
awesome then nothing is.

Now Santa has what I can only call....the mojo supreme. Think about it folks. All of you are
under the impression that you all are the onesthat go out and buy the gifts for your family or
friends, do the hiding of the gifts until the 25th, and that every fat guy you see dressed in a red
and white suit and ringing his bells in malls and street corners are just random people trying to
make a few extra $$ on the side. But here's a little secret....that's part of his supreme mojo. See,
Santa has the ability to alter our perceptions of reality but like every responsible heroic icon he
uses this power for benign purposes only. So when all of you think that all those Santas in malls
are just regular dudes... oh no, that's Santa being able to appear in multiple places at the same
time. When you think you're the ones buying the gifts ands doing the hiding...oh no, that's Santa
and his supreme mojo making you THINK you are the ones doing the work. It's all part of his
gig, trust me folks I know. I have some elf buddies up there in the North Pole that I play poker
with from time to time and they spilled the beans on this hokus pokus a long time ago. Speaking
of that, hey Monty, get a table ready for this Saturday night, I'll bring the booze/egg nog, you
bring the hot broads, and tell Mario to bring the psaghetti and meatballs.

Lastly, Santa wants all of us to be good to one another. Truth be told we (and this even applies
to the race of mice and rats as well as humans) we don't always treat each other very well. To be
perfectly blunt, we spend alot of time taking a crap on one another instead of building each other
up. It's easy to tear a person down, to squash their hopes and dreams, to marginalize their
accomplishments when we tap into the darker side of ourselves. But the harder and more
worthwhile path is to help people rise up and overcome their troubles, to inspire them to
greatness, and to pat them on the back for a job well done. Evil is for the lazy. Good is for the
selfless. Hence the reason while I play things down the middle like old Krampus does, truth be
told I'm cool with most RLSH and thumb my hairy nostrils at most RLSV (yeah, I'm especially
talking to you Black Sun and that goggle-faced bitch that hangs with your crew as well). Bottom
line is that Santa is a RLSH and a damned good one at that. Now word is that even though most
RLSV have ended up on the "naughty list" Santa has found it within himself to still give some of
these dastardly dimwits gifts on Christmas. They don't deserve that bit of kindness but if there
is one thing that Santa does well and that is turn the other cheek (the ones above his neck
people.. come on, get your heads out of the gutter). Maybe we should take a hint from good old
Santa on this and try to be better than we were yesterday and keep trying for whatever time
we have left on this mudball we call Earth.

But for thsoe of you who insist on being "naughty" now and forever, me, Krampus, and Santa
have a few things in common - we are always watching even when you don;t think we are and
we believe that bad karma comes around to bite a person in the ass sooner or later. Merry
Christmas to me human and animal friends and have a great new year!!!!

Holy crap!!!! Monty just got us the hook up!!! We got the whole crew of WWE Divas showing up
in Christmas lingerie for our poker game tonight. I call dibs on the first lap dance from Mickie
James!!!