Santa Claus - The Ultimate RLSH

On the eve of that most joyous day known as Christmas I wanted to take some time out from
scrounging through dumpsters for stale left over pizza, evading the mutlitude of cats and large
birds of prey who would seek to disembowel me, and even spying on those mudslinging
malcontents and miscreants of ROACH on behalf of my dread lord Krampus to talk about
perhaps the greatest RLSH of them all. That's right boys and girls, I'm talking about good old
Santa himself.

Let's take a look at old Saint Nicks list of mythical abilities. First of all, he lives in the coldest
point in the North Pole, something that any sane person would NOT DO for fear of freezing their
asses off. Frostbite can be a real bitch sometimes but good old Santa makes it work along with
his old lady and his legion of elves. Elves...that's right, Santa has a LEGION of elves at his
disposal. Now I don't know if he pays them to work 24/7 or how much but they always seem to
get the job done. Does the Easter Bunny have a legion of elves at his disposal? No. Last time I
checked the Tooth Fairy was a solo act so apparently Santa has the mojo these other peeps are
missing. You go big guy!!! Keep rocking like you always do. As if having a legion of elves at his
disposal was not enough, Santa has a pimped out sled (MTV eat your hearts out) and a pack of
reindeer that can fly through any kind of weather thanks to the head buck himself, Rudolph
with his bright nose (now that's what I call some serious bling - Flavor Flav, even with you big
ass clock from you NWA days, you got nothing on Rudolph brother)

Now as we all know the RLSH like to pattern themselves after heroic figures and principles (well
for the most part - admittedly there are a few fruitcakes in the group but the RLSH still
superior by leaps and bounds to even the most benign ROACH or RLSV). Now we all know that
Santa is...well..oh how can I say this without offending....hmmm..oh...uh...a bit on the chunky
side. However, despite his profound width and girth he seems to move around with the speed of
lightning - how else can you describe a person who can deliver toys to all the nice folks of the
world IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS!!!! Holy shit!!! Pardon me but I find that friggin amazing!!!
Then we have Santa's ability to alter his physical dimensions - I am convinced that Santa must
be the plumpest contortionist in the world. How else can you explain his ability to squeeze into
the tightest chimneys, under doors, and through small windows. Believe me, I know all about
flexibility (well, at least that's what my wife tells me) and somehow, some way, the big guy has
the goods.

Then there's generosity. Last time I checked, Santa does not ask for money so all this gift giving
he is doing is, as they say in legal circles, pro bono. Yeap, it's a freebie and he never complains.
Damn, come to think of it Santa must be the richest dude in the world, making Bill Gates and
Donald Trump look like paupers. Shit, I gotta call him up and get a seasonal gig with him...well
with the permission of my dread Lord Krampus of course. What? Don't look at me that way. I
have 2,735,876 mouths to feed and these mice welfare checks barely cover it!!! So Santa and his
elves spend all year making toys at no cost to us and we reap the rewards. Damn, if that's not
awesome then nothing is.

Now Santa has what I can only call....the mojo supreme. Think about it folks. All of you are
under the impression that you all are the onesthat go out and buy the gifts for your family or
friends, do the hiding of the gifts until the 25th, and that every fat guy you see dressed in a red
and white suit and ringing his bells in malls and street corners are just random people trying to
make a few extra $$ on the side. But here's a little secret....that's part of his supreme mojo. See,
Santa has the ability to alter our perceptions of reality but like every responsible heroic icon he
uses this power for benign purposes only. So when all of you think that all those Santas in malls
are just regular dudes... oh no, that's Santa being able to appear in multiple places at the same
time. When you think you're the ones buying the gifts ands doing the hiding...oh no, that's Santa
and his supreme mojo making you THINK you are the ones doing the work. It's all part of his
gig, trust me folks I know. I have some elf buddies up there in the North Pole that I play poker
with from time to time and they spilled the beans on this hokus pokus a long time ago. Speaking
of that, hey Monty, get a table ready for this Saturday night, I'll bring the booze/egg nog, you
bring the hot broads, and tell Mario to bring the psaghetti and meatballs.

Lastly, Santa wants all of us to be good to one another. Truth be told we (and this even applies
to the race of mice and rats as well as humans) we don't always treat each other very well. To be
perfectly blunt, we spend alot of time taking a crap on one another instead of building each other
up. It's easy to tear a person down, to squash their hopes and dreams, to marginalize their
accomplishments when we tap into the darker side of ourselves. But the harder and more
worthwhile path is to help people rise up and overcome their troubles, to inspire them to
greatness, and to pat them on the back for a job well done. Evil is for the lazy. Good is for the
selfless. Hence the reason while I play things down the middle like old Krampus does, truth be
told I'm cool with most RLSH and thumb my hairy nostrils at most RLSV (yeah, I'm especially
talking to you Black Sun and that goggle-faced bitch that hangs with your crew as well). Bottom
line is that Santa is a RLSH and a damned good one at that. Now word is that even though most
RLSV have ended up on the "naughty list" Santa has found it within himself to still give some of
these dastardly dimwits gifts on Christmas. They don't deserve that bit of kindness but if there
is one thing that Santa does well and that is turn the other cheek (the ones above his neck
people.. come on, get your heads out of the gutter). Maybe we should take a hint from good old
Santa on this and try to be better than we were yesterday and keep trying for whatever time
we have left on this mudball we call Earth.

But for thsoe of you who insist on being "naughty" now and forever, me, Krampus, and Santa
have a few things in common - we are always watching even when you don;t think we are and
we believe that bad karma comes around to bite a person in the ass sooner or later. Merry
Christmas to me human and animal friends and have a great new year!!!!

Holy crap!!!! Monty just got us the hook up!!! We got the whole crew of WWE Divas showing up
in Christmas lingerie for our poker game tonight. I call dibs on the first lap dance from Mickie
James!!!

A Morsel from Mr. Jingles

So I was scurrying about one late night through the darkened hallway of some random and
very cluttered home (the mess aided in my ability to hide ny presence) while carrying a nice 3
day old cheddar cracker and I came across some guy in a funky mask sitting in front of his
computer. Now what many people do not know is that me and many of my rodent brethen by
means which I will not divulge (it's a matter of national security amongst my peeps) gained
cognitive capacity equivalent to that of your standard homo sapien. Me being a curious little
mouse (as well as tired from evading the house cat for the past 10 minutes) saw this masked
man typing away furiously on his keyboard all the while muttering obscenities under his breath
onto a blog for an organization called ROACH.

Now this bears saying - I am considered vermin and as such I have many fellow vermin who I
consider friends that are of the cockroach designation. I don't mean the warm blooded holligan
humans running around as ROACH - I mean the ACTUAL bugs themselves. I've told them
about this ROACH organization and I can tell by their twitching that they feel insulted by being
associated with them. So if any ROACH members find their homes or belongings infested with
"special bug surprises" left by my coackroach friends don't be surprised. After all, how smart is
to piss off a race of creatures that will forever outnumber you and will be around long after you
warm blooded fools have finished screwing this planet up.

Anyways, some ROACH members apparently do not take kindly to some of the things said by
them. My response to this is quite simply...TOO F*CKING BAD!!! I've read alot of your blogs.
I've seen you guys go after fathers and defame them in pictures with their children, post
personal information about minors on the internet thus endangering these minors to potentially
criminal minds, threaten to launch computer viruses, porn bots, and other spam creating
devices onto other forums largely run by RLSH, and accuse people merely by pictures of being
members of the KKK, prostitutes, or pedophiles, and threaten to disrupt charity events. This is
just a small sampling of their sickening behavior. Then, some of them have the audacity to
demand respect, to say they "disagree with behavior that is equal to their own but turned on
them", and act surprised when people refuse to be treated poorly. Like my Uncle Elroy once
told me (shortly before being run over by a mini-van) "Sooner or later, whatever you give in
life you get back in return." So to the ROACH peeps, if you treat people like crap, thrreaten and
mock them then sooner or later it's going to happen to you.

<<>>

Now I have a friend of mine named Krampus. Let me tell you, he's a bad bad creature. At first
he threatened to consume me in a slow tortured manner for not bowing and recognizing his
greatness but we worked out a deal. I scurry around for him and spy on people, taking notes
and bringing my gathered info to him. With my assistance it helps him keep checks on both the
ones called RLSH and the ROACH (and allows me to avoid his terrible wrath). He pays me well-
I can't complain about the piles of cheese, stale bread, and popcorn that he provides me. The
stuff is real friggin good. Krampus does not take sides but he knows people on both sides. He'll
crack the whip on a dumb as RLSH as quickly as he'll crack the whip on a ROACH. He's an equal
opportunist mythological terror and that's cool by me. More often than not however it's the
ROACH who incur his magnificently monstrous ire. See, you ROACH dinkleberries IMHO are
lazy hypocrites. Villian gimmick aside, what do you guys offer to the world that is even remotely
positive? From what I can tell pretty much nothing. You complain about the RLSH who patrol,
pointing out how dangerous they are and yet I fail to see anything resembling a slew of stories
about these vigilantes gone amock. Being the tiny mouse that I am I've followed many of them
in their patrols in secret and for the most part nothing even remotely close to what you ROACH
describe as "dangerous vigilante-style behavior" occurs.

So I pondered one day what it is that really drives you ROACH to do what you do given that the
premise of your reason for existence is built on a house of cards. Then I read something that
Agent Berylluin said in one of her blogs (I will refrain from calling her the name she has truly
earned which is the Berylluin B*tch). She referred to herself as an "attention whore". Well, I do
agree on her description of herself as a woman of ill repute (Helpful hint: Move to Nevada and
you can not only pedal your flesh legally but get a tax return for it). Seriously though, this
comment put everything in perspective. Not only is Agent Beryllium an attention whore but all
of ROACH is just one giant organized gathering of attention whores. Your leader is nothing more
than a glorified T-shirt salesman with computer skills and smoking issues and the rest of the
ROACH hypcrites who complain about others using anonymity to their advantage hide your own
faces behind gas masks, paper bags, or large awkward looking goggles. You create these blogs
just to draw attention to yourselves because you are ALL ATTENTION WHORES!! It's not
about and never has been about stopping the vigilante RLSH. It's always been about feeding
your fat bloated egos at the expense of others and bringing the spotlight of attention onto your
otherwise mundane lives. You complain about the RLSH trying to get media attention 24/7 and
yet one of your own describes herself as an "attention whore". Congratulations, you are the
mirror of the very people and behavior that you claim to despise.

Well I see this ROACH guy is turning his computer off and calling it a night. I gotta go grab me a
second helping of those sweet cheddar crackers. I'll be back in the near future in the service of
my dread leader Krampus to hit people with reality checks when needed because you gotta keep
people honest... well as honest as you can get a bunch of ROACH hooligans to be.

Krampus... we love you!!!!

Krampus, you are the great equalizer and all will soon bow you your stern but fair hand. ;)